- I have a girl of seven years, a good, obedient, but very sensitive and irascible child, she cries very quickly, she gets angry very easily. Sometimes I think I'm too authoritarian, too harsh with her, and I'm afraid I will remove her, but at the same time I'm afraid I wouldn't listen if I was too gentle with her. I try to behave beautifully, to explain why he is allowed or not to do certain things and I see it very open, but only for the moment, he manipulates me and I have to resort to penalties and prohibitions all the time. What behavior should I adopt towards my little girl?Answer:
Being a parent can be so easy and enjoyable, but also daunting at times. Time goes by playing with the child and we observe at a certain moment how the child changes, it is no longer the one we used to: either it turns into a Mr. Go and we wake up out of the situation, or in a mountain of sensitivity , irascibility and we do not know how to react.
Therefore, even if we need to be severe and apply punishments, it is advisable not to give them the opportunity to doubt that we love them, understand them, admire them and want to help them. Also, if we choose to educate our child without any trace of severity or punishment, do not give them the opportunity to doubt that it would be good to listen to and respect our adult decisions so that they will never reward love and freedom. offered with disrespect.
When the parent oscillates between behaviors: authoritarian and indulgent or even indifferent, protective and democratic, a state of uncertainty, uncertainty for the child is created because he does not know how to react to the changing behavior of the parent.
Adopting an indulgent style allows the child to manifest as he wants, without imposing too much restriction. The indulgent attitude of the parent allows, among other things, the child to feel important, especially, which causes the level of self-esteem to increase. On the other hand, it will be difficult for him to understand the role of boundaries, rules and to take them into account when the situation demands it, he will only do what he wants and will hardly accept advice.
The parent who adopts the authoritarian style is characterized by asking the child to strictly respect, without commenting, the rules imposed. The child's intention to manifest independence is interpreted as a form of rebirth, which is an important source of parent-child conflicts.
The authoritarian parent teaches the child to become orderly, disciplined, respectful towards those he is afraid of; develops his critical sense; he learns to become a perfectionist. Unfortunately, adopting this parental style brings with it many disadvantages, first of all, the child raised by authoritarian parents will learn very hard to become malleable, sensitive to the wishes of others; he will be unforgiving to those who make mistakes. Also, this child will experience difficulties in achieving effective communication; he will often lack initiative, courage and everlasting dissatisfaction, as he is constantly afraid that he might be wrong.
The parent neglects the child, is not concerned about his achievements and frequently does not show positive emotional experiences for him. The philosophy of life he suggests is:, in life you cannot rely on anyone else but yourself.
The child whose parent is indifferent, learns that his opinion does not matter much, feels unimportant and sometimes absolved of any responsibility. He can have a low self-esteem, he can become constantly scared and followed by a powerful inferiority complex. The child has the feeling that he is deprived of affection which will make him indifferent, will be more rigid, more insensitive, more apathetic, more pragmatic.
The protective parent is extremely attentive to the needs of the child and is totally devoted to the parent's profession. The most important thing for him is to provide the child with security, because he thinks that a child is a fragile being, which needs constant support and protection. Unfortunately, sometimes the protection afforded to the child is exaggerated, the parents become eternally worried, they see disasters and calamities at every street corner. Their desire to find the culprits a few times leads to a decrease in the efficiency of conflict resolution and learning of discipline rules. These parents, like the authoritarian ones, hardly accept the situation in which the child begins to develop independence, but they do not create conflicts, but they panic, they are consumed.
This parental style entails sleep and diet disorders, as well as unexplained states of fear, unexplained crying, irritability, nervousness, etc. With the passage of time, the child feels increasingly suffocated and has a tendency to move away from parents.
The democratic parent always considers that the rights of the child are respected, without omitting the establishment of rules that will be applied consistently and followed by all family members. For him, the law is not the most important (as it is for the authoritarian parent), but man is in the first place. Therefore, the parent who embraces this parental style is sufficiently forgiving, flexible and open to accepting everything that could improve the life of the child and the family, but is at the same time authoritative enough to impose rigorous discipline, to learn it. the child to follow rules and to fulfill effectively the tasks that are given to him.
It is sufficiently protective to provide the child with the security he needs and to support him when the situation demands it; but it is sufficiently understanding and confident in the child's ability to make some personal decisions. He encourages the child to be independent, respecting his opinions, interests and personality. He expresses warmth towards the child, appreciates him, considers him a responsible member of the family.
In this way, the child will develop an emotional balance, will develop efficient communication skills, will manifest creativity, initiative, decision-making ability, personal autonomy, a high level of self-esteem.
As can be seen, each parenting style has its advantages and disadvantages; more than that, while some parents consider certain values to be qualities, others consider them flaws. So, dear mom, try to find yourself in one of the styles shown above and figure out what you should change in your behavior, and then try to find a middle ground in resolving the conflict between you. And do not forget the penalties have the opposite poles the rewards.
Psychologist - Specialist Clinician
NICOLE Medical Diagnosis and Treatment Center